Guidelines to Follow if Still Have to Be In Contact with Your Abuser

  Here are some guidelines to follow if still have to be in contact with your abuser.    - Tell the abuser that you will not accept the statements that define you and list examples. - Tell your abuser that you will video all meetings. Then keep a video camera with you. - Limit contact with the abuser. - Say "What did you say?" if you do hear verbal abuse - Be prepared to leave the presence of the abuser if you are abused - Hang up the phone if you are abused. - Try to keep any Read more [...]

Help in the Fight to End Domestic Violence

One year ago I had the idea to collect stories from survivors of domestic violence and put them into a book. The focus of this project is not to make money, but to make a difference in a fight that is so near and dear to my heart. Being a clinician who has done a large amount of group work, one thing I have found to be amazingly true is that we learn more from other people who have been through the same thing than “experts.” That is a major reason that I wanted to do the project, but there Read more [...]

ABSOLUTE rule of NO CONTACT! When Leaving an Abusive Relationship

    Exposing ourselves to our ex pathological leaves us WIDE open to be sucked in again. Remember they have the ability to hypnotize us and place us in a trance-like state VERY quickly. Confronting our ex-pathological leaves us wide open for re-victimization. Psychopaths absolutely HATE to be exposed face to face. Confronting our ex-pathologicals puts us in danger of severe wrath and retribution at the hand of someone who has absolutely no empathy for anyone and who is prone to rages Read more [...]

Encouraging Thoughts to Help Improve Your Self-Esteem

    Encouraging Thoughts to Help Improve Your Self-Esteem  Thoughts that inspire exploration and reflection (again, compliments to my beautiful therapist) Happiness can be defined in many ways, but what IS it that gives us this wonderful sensation that emanates from deep within ourselves? The answer comes from deep within. Self Esteem or Self Respect is not given to use through praise, gifts or attention. It’s about ourselves learning how to do things for ourselves, how to be responsible Read more [...]

Talk given to the Better than Ever After Divorce Community

  I posted my Talk given to the Better than Ever After Divorce Community before, but learned the link did not work.  As such I got a copy of the mp3 from the organization that hosted the talk and I up loaded directly to the site and undated the post. This is a recording of a talk I was asked to give to an international audience for Better than Ever After Divorce.  Dee Adio-Moses asked me to talk on the topic after interviewing me about my book on her radio show.  Some of the topics Read more [...]

Two’s Company, Three’s a Crowd: Avoiding Triangulation in Your Future Relationships

  Abusive relationships leave our self-esteem debilitated. People who have experienced abuse in their previous relationships have become paralyzed with fear-- fear of not being able to love again, fear of not being loved again and that fear of experiencing failure in their future relationships. You may currently be healing from abuse, and you think that it may still be too early to enter into a new relationship, and you are right. However, there is nothing too early about learning and understanding Read more [...]

Projection: Your Partner is Not a Mirror

    Projection in relationships is one of the most common reasons of abusive relationships. This is a defense mechanism of most people that they are not aware of. Projection is what other people do in order to manage and cope with their feelings. Psychological projection is about projecting your undesirable feelings to someone else instead of dealing with it yourself. When this is done in a relationship, it becomes an abusive one. When Projection becomes Abusive This abusive behavior Read more [...]

NARCISSISTIC TRAITS

  NARCISSISTIC TRAITS   Turns every conversation to him/her expects you to meet his/her emotional needs Ignores the impact of his/her negative comments on you Constantly criticizes or berates you and knows what is best for you Focus on blaming rather than taking responsibility for their own behavior Expect you to jump at their every need Is overly involved with their own hobbies, interests or addictions ignoring your needs Has high need for attention: Brags, sulks, complains, Read more [...]

Did They Choose to Abuse? Ask Yourself Two Questions

    It is important to point out that labeling my ex's behavior as the result of a disorder awards him too much sympathy and leniency. He, and all other narcissists (N's) or Borderlines (BPD's) and sociopaths, know exactly what they are doing. While their inclinations are driven by a tragic psychological disorder, their actions are chosen. They choose to abuse! Plain and simple. If you're not sure about this and want to believe that their behavior is beyond their control, ask yourself Read more [...]