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Online Dating Mission : FAIL




by Gretchen Schiller


Did someone sign me up for the FBI and forget to tell me? Worse, forget to give me one of those cool jackets? Because online dating is without a doubt a FBI manhunt. An endless, exhausting pursuit for the “Most Wanted” man: dangerously loyal, wickedly intelligent, and terrifyingly thoughtful with a bold appearance that is a proven threat to all single women.

I’m a diligent special agent. I adhere to the manhunt dress code. Shower, put on a little blush, perfume, some cute boots, and a sexy top. I thoroughly interview suspects. Viewing online profiles. I do a thorough background check. Do you respect your mother? I keep an eye out for identifying tattoos. Bonus! And I put out the bait when I think I’m close to capture. Ya know, dress in a trench coat with nothing else on. I’m joking. I would totally wear underwear.

Like any good manhunt, executing the sting operation after a lengthy chase, endless questioning we Single Special Agents inevitably find ourselves profiling impostors. I can only handle so many one-liners and online profiles with names like “Beefcake2013”, “Imyourman1970”, and “Ignoremyweddingring.”

Here is the file on some of the impostors…

Online Dating Emails “Four words: You. I. Hookup. ASAP.” Really? Ten words: Try. Two. Words. A. Commonly. Hyphenated. Word. And. An. Acronym.

“I wanna marry you” Really? That’s your entire email? Most people go on a date first.

“You’re 10 pounds of awesomeness in a 5 pound bag” Really? Have you seen the size of my a$$? There’s nothing 5 pounds about me.

Online Dating Profile Pictures Reindeer ears on your dog? Birthday party for your cat? Really?

Shirt unbuttoned to your navel with a gold chain nestled into the trail of black dark hair on your chest? Really?

Two dozen photos of just you and your mom? Really?

Anymore pictures of you with your shirt off and flexing? Really?

Who are you? Dirk Diggler? Don’t send me photos of your junk. Really? That’s just effin’ rude.

Hey, Playa’, pictures of yourself draped with women while wearing a fedora? Really?

Posing in front of your TransAm like David Hasselhoff in Knight Rider? Really?

Burt Reynolds called, he wants his pornstache back. Really?

Online dating. Really? Really?

Who am I kidding? I’m the one home alone on Saturday nights looking through profiles.


But similar to one who is committed to 30 years of service at the FBI.

I committed myself to 15 dates, I’m tapped out.



Gretchen signature


Originally Posted Jan 26, 2013 at Sassy Single Mom (dot) Com

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Originally posted 2013-08-11 03:58:05. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

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