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Seven Simple Steps to Single



“Sooo…when do I update my Facebook relationship status to ‘Single’?” She asked me while walking down the sidewalk. My friend and her husband are in the process of getting divorced.

“Uhm, I’m not sure really, maybe not just yet, maybe when you move out, ya know, have your own apartment…?” Drawing out the word apartment, emphasizing my answer is really a question.

“Yeah. Probably. OK. That sounds right. OK.” She looked down at the pavement, focused, cataloging all info into her mental files.

This one no doubt is in my mental Awkward Divorce Etiquette file.

I confided in her that I had the same question shortly after I got divorced.

Funny the things we think about.

Funny the things we have to think about.

I mean, seriously, how odd is it to keep the relationship status as “Married” on Facebook when you’ve been divorced for several months? We have to think of these things.

But don’t update your relationship status while you’re in the throes of it. I know Facebook offers several options; don’t go there. I explained to my friend that I never went the route of updating through the stages, i.e., Married  to It’s Complicated  to  Separated  to  Divorced to  Single. I left my status blank for a while. Maybe a year. Then changed it to “Single.”

So here we go, ladies, the Seven Simple Steps to Single:

Step 1: Log on to Facebook.

Step 2: Pull up your personal Facebook page.

Step 3: Click “About.”

Step 4: Under “Basic Info,” click “Edit.”

Step 5: Scroll down to “Relationship Status.”

Step 6: Click the drop down menu.

Step 7: Click “Single.”

See? Simple. You did it!

Open Up


If you can’t quite click on SINGLE yet, there are options. You can spend days pondering what to do about your Facebook Relationship Status. Yet, truly, does it matter? No. Change it to blank and call it a day.

Or a second option is to follow steps 1-6 and  for Step 7: Click “Open Relationship.”

And if you have a friend as goofy as you are, ask them if you can post their photo next to it. (Can you believe they have this option!) Then sit back and wait for the messages to flood your inbox as the real winners come out of the woodwork. At the very least it will give you a couple weeks of entertainment until you’re ready to make the proverbial leap to SINGLE.

It’s Official

Know this, that when you are ready and take the 7th Step to Single on your Facebook Relationship Status, your Single-ness becomes official.

So. . .

By the power vested in me by the Facebook gods –whose ultimate power is evidenced by continued use of the crappy timeline format with disregard to 97% of user’s wishes.

I now pronounce you SINGLE.

You may now kiss . . . the first random guy you see.

Er, no . . .

You may now . . . go out to the closest bar, pound a shot for every year you were married, add two for good measure, insist the bartender turn up the song “Pour Some Sugar On Me” then hop up on the bar to join in on a sexy line dance and give free body shots from your cleavage.


Don’t do that! Goodness gracious. That was a test.

Party, for sure. Just not like it’s 1999. Cuz it ain’t. We’re old. (Well, older.) So by all means get all dolled up, go to a bar, enjoy a beer with a friend and shake those hips! My suggestion is to simply to do it on the dance floor. No kickin’ it on the actual bar. Agreed? Look, I say this because I’ve been there, done that, had so much fun, but doing it now would just be wrong. Ya know? Trust me.

It’s been a while since we’ve been single. Friendly reminder: We’re not 23 years old anymore. We need to beware of the common mistake of thinking now that we’re single again, a time machine has brought us back to the carefree days of our 20’s. It hasn’t.

So as Vince Vaughn so eloquently put it, “You’re growns up!”

Now that we’re all growns up let’s make a pact to work to make the choice to act like it in our newly single social lives. I know that there are days that being single again can feel incredibly freeing – driving and belting out songs while banging our steering wheels like drum – type freeing. Amazing. Liberated. But no line dancing on the bar or jumping on tables at the International House of Pancakes at 4 in the morning and yelling.

Don’t Get Laid. Get Lay’s

And when it’s closing time, go home. Alone.  Just because you don’t have to go home alone doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Again, we’re older, hopefully more mature and our lives certainly don’t need any added drama.

Similarly, don’t leave the bar and start sucking face like you’re some nasty bar fly. I did this last summer. It’s tacky. I learned from it. I won’t do it again. Online dating, blind dates, church groups, a singles’ sport group are, usually, the ideal way to meet prospective guys that are worthy of dating your cute self.

Oh, and if you are in a divorce support group, those are not places to meet guys either. Your issues plus his issues? Yikes. Work through your smack first, graduate from the divorce support group and then start dating (men outside of your group).

If the thought of not meeting anyone while out depresses you when you see couples pour out of the bar, remember, you don’t have to go to bed alone.

On those nights, do what I do. Shamelessly stop at 7-11 on the way home and buy a good-looking bag of BBQ Lay’s potato chips to cuddle with. No pun intended, I swear, they truly are my favorite. There’s no more responsible, all growns up, way to have safe sex than sleeping with a bag of your favorite chips. Definitely no regrets when you wake up.

Except having a nasty, oily potato chip crumb stuck to your cheek.



Originally Posted with video in Single Sassy Mom (dot) Com | Dec 11, 2012 |

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Originally posted 2013-07-21 01:25:09. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

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