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A Mans Perspective on Patterns



My separation happened about a year and a couple months ago. I can no longer remember the exact date that my wife told me she couldn’t stay married to me any longer. It was a hell of a day with a long and argument filled build up. Followed by a long and argument filled time-frame while I was looking for a new place to live. Without going too much into it I can tell you that our situation was fairly typical in many ways. We weren’t satisfied, she started going out more and more. She met an old friend and they reconnected. She ended our marriage before anything physical happened. Then after a short time of leaning on the old friend she then broke it off with him in favor of being alone and “finding herself”.

I say this is typical because I have, since my own separation, witnessed at least two fairly similar situations. One was a male friend who somehow came into contact with an old flame of his. He and his wife had been having differences for a while and it seemed like they were insurmountable. Then he came across his old girlfriend through some social network or another. There was an instant connection despite the fact that they were both married. In this case, my friend and his wife have discussed their issues and are continuing to work on their marriage. I believe he no longer has contact with the old girlfriend. But while he was having trouble in his marriage he too was using the old flame as a means of support, as a way of helping himself through the troubles. I don’t claim to know what will happen with his marriage but unlike my ex-wife nothing physical ever happened with his means of support.


And once again I was involved in the next situation. But this time, I was the means of support while a friend and old flame (I often thought of her as “the one that got away” ) was having issues in her own marriage. Both her and her ex think of me as the guy who stole her from him but I think we can all acknowledge that I was merely the support that gave her the strength to do what she was already considering. The funny thing is, that while in the situation I could have predicted every step that was going to happen. It so closely mirrored what happened with my own separation that it was almost unbelievable. First we reconnect on a small level. I believe for my ex it was out at the bar having drinks with her “friend”. For me and Amy it was coffee. We talked about family and friends and basically just chatted in a very neutral way. I wasn’t even aware of any marital distress on her behalf. I, of course, was still attracted to her but as far as I was concerned nothing was going to happen because she was happily married. A couple weeks later, we went for coffee again. This time was different, we spoke more intimately about her issues in her marriage and I got the definite impression that she was attracted to me. Still it wasn’t my intent to intrude on a marriage that had problems but was still intact. Then she texted me and we chatted through text for a few days. I knew this wasn’t going in a “safe” direction but it felt good to have someone who actually cared what was going on with me. We kept that up for a few days when I invited her for lunch. She declined and then gave me the reason. She said that she was too attracted to me to actually see me. I understood. She was still in a marriage and didn’t want to do anything she thought of as wrong. Somehow, I felt that we’d already crossed a line but again I was ok with that. As an aside, I suspect that this was much like my ex and her “friend”, as an observant individual I noticed a considerable increase in the amount she was texting and her behavior surrounding her phone. Keeping it with her in the bathroom while she was showering, keeping it guarded while she was using it. She didn’t really hide that she was texting someone but it was more than she had used her phone in quite some time. I guess you could say I was suspicious.


Back to the story at hand, Amy was texting me a lot and we were asking questions about each other and reconnecting. There was innuendo and she let me know that she was planning to leave her husband. Finally the day came when she did it. She told him and she moved out. The next few days we spent a lot of time together. It was possibly the happiest I’d been in years. This is all very recent mind you. Like the last month or so. So, I guess that brings us almost up to date. She finally just did exactly what my ex did with her “friend”. She ended it. I understand, and was expecting it. When a person ends their marriage they tend to need a push or a supportive person telling them it’s ok. That they’ll still be desired and that it will all be ok. For Amy, I was that push or support. Just like my ex’s “friend” was for her. But that’s all we are, support. Once they realize that they will be ok on their own or that it’s better to heal these wounds alone to become a stronger person they discard the support. They no longer need it.


I write this disappointed but aware that this was where this was heading. In fact, it has given me a new perspective on my own situation with my ex and has left me feeling better about my own separation and pending divorce than I did before. Perhaps because I now realize that I too am still desirable and that I will be ok. I hope things work out for all the people I’ve talked about. I guess we’ll see how things go.




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Originally posted 2013-03-23 11:34:39. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

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