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Have a question and would like a little advise just ASK Justin Nutt, LMSW
I love my boyfriend (of many years) and we have been through many hard times together, most painfully, his affair. I reacted like most women and tried to be reasonable. My only request was the he cut off all contact with the home-wrecker. Months later I find that they still talk and get together and of course he swears that there is no sex or feelings but that she is his friend and I cant ‘make him’ give up a friend. When I asked him ‘what if it was me or her’ he became agitated and said he would hate to lose me but he wont stop being her friend. Basically, is he still boning her?
While in most cases neither partner should expect the other to give up friends or family for them, if that person(s) is toxic to the relationship/marriage then it is unfair to think it is okay to keep that person around. The fact that he refuses to give up a “friend” who created such havoc in your relationship means he values the “homewrecker” (as you put it) more than your home and as such he is choosing to wreck the home himself. While it is hard to end a relationship you need to he has already shown he isn’t going to be honest with you about her twice: once with the affair and once by telling you he would stop talking to her. You deserve better, heart ache hurts, but heals,this relationship will continue to wound your heart.
Justin Nutt, BSW, LMSW
I have not had a job for the past three months, although I have been looking everyday… I have literally applied for 100 + places. I’ve had some interviews, but nothing works out. I have tried every approach… but that’s a whole different advice forum. I understand that he is stressed out about me, he wants me to find something that makes me happy and wants me to pull my own weight. I completely understand this. I want the same for myself as well, I enjoy working and feeling good. I believe we should be mutual, not all of the stress should be put on him. Anyway, I just don’t know what to do. I have looked everywhere and tried everything, and he knows of my efforts. However he does not give me credit for all of the work I have done trying to find a job. I obsess over it every day. He often gets upset at me because I have yet to find anything and it hurts me because I am really trying. It’s like trying your best and having someone tell you you’re not doing good enough. It makes me feel worthless. I do not feel like I’m treated like a lady, I feel like I’m treated like a burden. I feel like since he’s helping me out financially, that he does not need to treat me like a woman. Like that is asking too much. I want to feel loved and special. I am still treating him that way and even overcompensating because he has been helping me. I guess what I’m trying to say is, am I asking too much for still wanting that loving feeling? Do I deserve it?
Money is one of the biggest issues that contributes to the most breakups and divorces. Relationships are a partnership, not a 50-50 type thing 100% of the time partnership either. Sometimes or ways one partner gives more and other times and other ways the partner may give more. What is never ok is for one partner to make the other feel as though they are not good enough. Think about what it is you want to say, what the feelings are that you are dealing with and the best way to express that without it sounding as though you are attacking him. Then sit down and talk with him. One of the best components to a healthy relationship is the ability to discuss an issue in a respectful way, and the ability to compromise. I would wonder if he knows how much it hurts and makes you feel when he says those things.
Justin Nutt, BSW, LMSW
Is this a normal thing to go through and is it healthy? I went through a period of “longing” I guess you could say where I had her up on a pedestal and I wanted nothing but to get her back, then I felt like I accepted it and was fine, and now I’ve started to hate her intensely. Last time we hung out with mutual friends I completely ignored her, which was immature in hindsight, but I just want to feel like she never existed. I hated her for stringing me along and just so many things about how she dumped me. I know she’s cried a few times when we saw each other, but I haven’t seen it. I was told by one of our mutual friends. I’m just so angry it’s hard to express right now.
Yes this is totally normal. Often there is the euphoric remembrance for the person, putting them on a pedestal like you said and not thinking about all the bad that happened. Then you are often mad at the person, mad at them over the fact that they fooled you into thinking they were perfect, or for thinking that you weren’t good enough. Even wishing that you had never met them, or they had never been born. These are all stages of breakups and they should pass in time. The time it takes is different for everyone, but keep in mind one thing…Good or bad, all of our experiences make us who we are. The bad she may have done will make you that much better of a partner for a future someone.
Justin Nutt, BSW, LMSW