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“I am dating after my divorce almost a year ago. I only dated briefly with one other person, and have found what I believe to be my one and only in this man. Any advice on the rejection that seems to be rearing its ugly head in me? I sometimes feel like he is pulling away but then realize he isn’t. These feelings started after he changed his mind about us moving in together. He says he just got cold feet. Now since then I am feeling some crappy feelings I don’t really like. I have been through counseling, read many books and though all issues were resolved, but I think that there will always be residual issues. I need to add that my ex-husband cheated on me then filed for divorce to choose her over me. Also our first anniversary since the divorce is July 12th and I suspect that is playing inside of me somewhere as well.”
Member Comment 1
Please, please, please don’t move too fast. I completely understand your feelings as I went through the very same situation. I wanted to die the day my ex married his mistress – but I didn’t. I believe I am a stronger, wiser woman for what I came through and you will be too!
Member Comment 2
What you have gone through, as I have, is not easy. I honestly don’t think you have given yourself enough time to heal or to rebuild enough to trust completely as you are deserving of. I believe you should grow as an individual again before you try and grow with someone and move in together so soon. You deserve time to be hurt, angry, confused and then healed. Allow God to guide your actions and KEEP HIM FIRST and the right man, be it this guy or someone else, will commit to you and there will be no doubt or hesitation on either part! Be blessed…
Member Comment 3
You are receiving excellent advice here. A divorce is a loss, a death of a relationship, the death of our identity as a spouse, of life as we knew it. Just as we grieve the loss of a loved one through death, we need a period of time after a divorce to grieve. It sounds like you began dating very soon after your divorce, and with not even a year gone by, you’re in a relationship & planning to move in with your friend. Before we can truly love another, we need to fall in love with ourselves first by doing the inner work required, getting used to life as a single person and that takes a very long time. When we lose our identity as a spouse, it creates a void inside and a natural desire to fill it, but we must be very careful not to fill that void with the wrong things: addictions to alcohol, drugs, food, sex, shopping, becoming a workaholic…and a new relationship, sometimes to prove to ourselves we are still desirable to the opposite sex. Someone here said it, please take some time to breathe, go out with friends, have fun, learn to deal with the loneliness & being secure as a single person. This will never happen overnight. Getting involved with a man too soon will be for the wrong reasons, out of neediness. Your divorce can be one of the worst things that happened to you, or by doing the inner work, becoming the best person you can be, it can be one of the best things that happens to you, you can be a survivor or a victim, the choice is yours to make. If I didn’t get divorced, I wouldn’t be the happy, strong woman I am today. Good luck and be happy!!
Member Comment 4
i look to my friends more now than before and I pray alot. I just have to keep in mind that it was his choice to do what he did not me.
Member Comment 5
Let me begin by saying I know you may have been through counseling and read several books, and I am sure they were helpful. However, the book I wrote was written from my own very painful experience. I lived like a single woman still remaining legally married for 10 years in my previous marriage. As a result, I can tell you firsthand that dating too soon after your divorce is tends to be a move that can lead to far more pain than it’s worth. Take more time to rediscover yourself then take time to re-create yourself. Your first anniversary is upon you. Forgive yourself for feeling emotions of confusion, rejection, anger and intense pain – that’s normal. You loved this man deeply and probably still have very intense feelings for him. My dear sister, you need time to unravel from the toxicity and shock. Remember, you may not have verbalized your feelings in your new relationship, but we communicate in many ways and he can detect what you have not said. In short, WIFE Ministries, (Women Intended for Excellence) teaches people how to strategically and effectively overcome intense emotional and social pain to experience your divine destiny. Allow yourself to grow and do not push to skip steps. If you stay the course, you will be better than ever but you cannot rush the process!!!
Member Comment 6
I too was married 28 years, my ex cheated on me for 30 of them! But to respond to the original post, take your time and HEAL, also listen to your heart, what you are hearing now, you could easily realize later, are red flags. Heed the warnings, if he’s the right guy he’ll wait. You might also want to look into a support group to help you understand your feelings. A divorce recovery group is an excellent way to get better and share and realize you’re not the only one. God bless us all!
Member Comment 7
I have the same feelings..except I cannot go out! I very rarely leave my home. I wont even try to date because I know that I would have issues from day one. I have been divorced since 2009 and still cannot function. My ex-husband cheated on me also..more than once. Then he asked the divorce. I was married for 28 years.
Member Comment 8
So sorry Dearie, try and loosen your burden. with time you would get the best
Member Comment 9
Slow down and breath….
Member Comment 10
I have been dealing with these same burdens and demons. My ex husband cheated on my the last 4 months of our marriage. Then i just got sick of all of the domestic violence and had him arrested. Now I always have this feeling that my new fiance will do the same thing. I’m always scared that he will end up cheating on me or leaving me like my ex did. I’m always wondering if its me or something that I’m doing wrong.
Member Comment 11
I think if its only been a year…. then moving in with someone already is too soon. You can date and spend time with someone but you need your time to be independent for a while too. Don’t rush….maybe he sees its too soon as well. Live on your own first… show yourself you are strong and can do it. There will be things that bother you about your ex and the way things happened git some time to come….even when you feel you have moved on. Don’t build the same house with your new partner.
Member Comment 12
Omgosh! Sounds like my life. I have trust issues though. I am 46, my ex is 43 his mistress is 60. She makes him feel alive. Now I am in a relationship and want to run all of the time, trust issues.
Member Comment 13
Playing for time or playing the male power game.
Member Comment 14
I feel the same way. 12 yrs and he dumped me for a 27yr old hes 41. I haven’t dated since we split up in January. I get cold feet, scared of being hurt again. Yet there is this guy that likes ne and I feel totally comfortable and myself around him. I think I might be falling in love. Something I haven’t felt for years..we both need to move on and start trusting
Member Comment 15
Life is beautiful When you find love When you find the place You’re meant to be When you find the one You can give your whole heart to And for me This is you This is love
Member Comment 16
Whether or not this new man is meant to be your “one and only”, trust that all is evolving in Divine timing and order and allow events to unfold without interpreting them as any reflection on you.
Member Comment 17
I agree with pretty much what has already been said. Especially about the traps; sex, drugs, alcohol, or the ones we would not expect like workaholic or being a “love slob” (someone who just needs to be loved by someone to be able to love themselves). I highly recommend a divorce support group- I am in one and it has been amazing in this difficult process/transition!!!! The only thing I would add is to commend you on your openness. It is so easy to just “go with what feels right” even though it may not be what is the best or what is the healthiest for you. Understand you have real wounds that need time to be discovered, and properly healed. And realize that people like us (who have been cheated on, abused, and/or neglected) are vulnerable to feelings of affirmation and positive attention. That doesn’t mean that they are bad, but at this time of recovery they can easily mask the pains and wounds we don’t want to see or feel. I wish you well- and you are not alone.
Member Comment 18
It sounds like the guy is playing for time!
Member Comment 19
I don’t think u ever truly get over things like this. Otherwise u haven’t learnt from what we go through. I think taking things slow is right.
Originally posted 2013-06-22 10:41:38. Republished by Blog Post Promoter