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As the aggressor in a divorce, the cheater should really have no right to be getting in there and using underhand tactics. As somebody who broke the rules in their marriage, resorting to less than friendly tactics and petty, vindictive moves is not going to help anything move on.
Remember – you broke your ex’s heart. You cannot possibly expect them to be alright about this, can you? They will be hurt and smarting, and some ex’s in this situation will react in an immature manner. Rather than getting angry or vindictive, remember why they are acting in this way – you cheated on them!
The best thing to do in this circumstance is try and follow the ground rules put below. Hopefully, you can avoid making any mistakes that are going to ignite the situation and leave you both at each other’s throats forever. You may never be close again, you may never even be friends again, but you do not need to become mortal enemies.
When I say this, we do not mean for you to avoid going to pick up your children for visitation or moving to another state so you will not run into them at the grocery store. What I mean is do not EVER bring your new partner – especially if it is who you slept with in your affair – anything you know you will be seeing your ex, including picking up the children for visitation.
This, of course, is almost impossible to move on from. Your ex will hate the site of your new partner so do not even put them in the position that could inflame what is already a very combustible set of circumstances.
Remember, you are the one who cheated. This means that, you do not really get too much say regarding how your ex process and deals with post-divorce life. This is not to guilt you or make you feel bad, that is not my intent. I am just trying to help you realise because it was your choice to have the affair, you do not have the opportunity to call the shots regarding someone else’s reaction.
In this situation, it is best just to let things go (play along) for a while. You hurt your ex so much they may be spending plenty of time trying to come up with ways to get you back or make you see how they feel. For now take it on the chin and do not react. Any reaction on your part is showing them their actions are affecting you and this encourages them to do more. They may interpret it as your guilt and regret is at least having a say. No reaction and taking it on the chin will not encourage them and most likely they will reduce or stop completely.
When you hear your ex say the harshest, most stinging criticisms interpret them for what they are- the words of somebody who is deeply wounded. But it does not give them a free pass to cross your boundaries. If there is any abusive of any kind (words or actions) or your boundaries are crossed remove yourself from your ex immediately and call the authorities if needed.
Research Ideas on Good Etiquette
Just as there are many reasons for an affair there are as many reactions that your ex will have toward you. Kate Scharff has written a wonderful article for those processing this in her article “The Cheater’s Guide to Divorce”. RiseWithMe.com has a wonderful article “Good Ex-etiquette can help Communication”.
Here is a great book full of great ideas that can help
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Originally posted 2014-06-24 14:33:36. Republished by Blog Post Promoter