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The majority of problems I hear about have the exact same underlying issue. See if you can work out what it is:
“My boss expects too much…” “My girlfriend treats me badly…”
“My mother is too demanding…” “I have no time for myself…”
Can you hear the common problem? The people making these statements are not setting or communicating their boundaries.
What are boundaries?
Your boundaries are the policies that YOU administer about what you will and will not accept. They’re the guidelines that YOU set for your own life. And setting your own rules about what is and isn’t OK for you, and saying “no” to anything that doesn’t sit well with you, is not about being stroppy or selfish, it’s about realizing that your own needs are just as important as everyone else’s and that blindly going along with what other people want is not really good for you.
Contrary to what a lot of us seem to believe, saying no does not mean that we are being difficult, or bossy. And nor does saying “no” mean we have to be rude, or apologetic or even go into lengthy explanations. It means that we know what we want and what’s good for us, and we kindly and confidently communicate this when others are unclear about it.
If you’re finding yourself feeling “put upon” or resentful then it’s very likely that you’re not setting or communicating your boundaries successfully.
My guess is you were brought up to “do as you’re told” and “not make a fuss” and were praised or even rewarded for doing so, right? Well, then it’s no wonder you think you’re doing the right thing when you accept everything that comes your way! But you’re not a kid any more. And those people pushing your boundaries do not have your best interests at heart – it’s much more likely they’re thinking of themselves – and so it’s important that you “push back” when your boundaries are being crossed.
People don’t do this to you on purpose. They don’t want to bully or take advantage of you. It’s just that, if you don’t say what you do or don’t want, they’re oblivious to your needs and just assume that if you’re not saying otherwise, then you’re fine with things as they are. Makes sense, right?
So, here’s what you do…
The next time someone asks something of you that you really don’t want to do, or they do something that you feel is disrespecting you, kindly let them know. But remember that, if you’ve been accepting these requests or behaviors for a while, it may come as a surprise to them that they’re no longer acceptable, so keep calm. In a neutral tone without raising your voice or getting emotional communicate what isn’t acceptable to you.
Don’t give ultimatums. Boundaries are not about shouting, “It’s my way or the highway, buster!” They’re about clearly communicating what you will or will not accept so that other people know how to treat you.
When you respect yourself, others will respect you also.
I love to read your comments so please post them below and if you have a question for next time, use the comments section below. I hope you found this useful and if you did, please like and share it.
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Originally posted 2013-11-28 11:28:55. Republished by Blog Post Promoter